Working hard to do the least

I was invited to serve on my condominium’s Gym Committee after a surprisingly rigorous selection process. The building’s management sent an email to all 500 unit owners explaining that the condo board planned to renovate the condo gym. Anyone interested in being part of the decision-making process for equipment purchases and layout was welcome to apply.

Sixteen people ended up expressing interest, far more than the management company had expected, but a positive sign about the community’s values. To pare down the number, the management company asked all applicants to submit their health and fitness credentials for evaluation. (I pointed management to my YouTube channel and my published book about gym humor.) Management’s plan worked. Only five of the initial 16 applicants responded, since typing out a paragraph about your fitness background does indeed require a small effort. All five, including myself, were invited to join the committee.

Fitness priorities

While these other four residents were able to muster the minimum effort to join the committee, I quickly learned that their true motivation was to keep their overall exertion low. Their list of non-negotiable equipment purchases included: 1) an elliptical machine, 2) battle ropes, and 3) a pull-up station that doesn’t fit.

Elliptical machine

The consensus among fitness experts is that the elliptical machine is good for beginners. Beyond that, as one fitness influencer noted, “elliptical machines may be too low impact for people who are aiming for a more intense exercise.” When I tried an elliptical machine 20 years ago, I cranked all the settings to maximum, and I still felt like I was wasting my time. Regardless, one member of the committee declared that her husband uses the gym’s current elliptical machine every day so the gym must continue to have one available.   

Battle ropes

The condo gym is a relatively small space. Only I objected to the purchase of battle ropes, which will be a tripping hazard and clutter wherever they are placed.

Battle ropes are good for cardio — if you have a foot injury that prevents you from doing anything with impact. According to the iconic health magazine Men’s Fitness:

“There’s only so much you can do with them. You will feel taxed—in your grip, shoulders, and core—after about 30 seconds of intense slamming. Your heart rate will be quickly elevated, but that’s about all you’re going to get from battle ropes.”

Battle ropes also introduce into your workout the opportunity to tear your arms out of your sockets. One fitness publication noted that even if the battle ropes fail to directly cause injury to your shoulders, the trauma they create predisposes your shoulders to injury from the rest of your training.

Pull-up station

My condo gym’s low ceiling means that any pull-up station we select will have clearance issues above the bar. When I pointed out that a full range pull-up would be impossible without raising a section of the ceiling, everyone just shrugged.

Pull-up clearance is actually a chronic problem at gyms of all kinds — commercial, hotel, or condo. Almost two decades ago, I wrote about a gym I joined that had three defective pull-up stations. The first pull-up station was located directly under the indoor running track, so that any pull-up ended abruptly in a collision between skull and concrete. The second station was centered almost perfectly under a long sprinkler head, eliminating the necessary clearance. On the third station you could complete a full rep only by ramming your head through the ceiling tile.

I suggested to the Gym Committee that we save the money from an elliptical machine and the battle ropes to pay a contractor to raise the ceiling over the pull-up station. Unfortunately, no one else cared whether we could properly perform this foundational back exercise.

Beyond the gym

All this effort to avoid real work reminds me of a conversation my wife had with her doctor at her annual physical. As my wife enters her mid-40s, she is thinking earnestly about what she can do to eliminate health scares and age peacefully. In truth, the building blocks of health are simple and free; evolution would have discriminated against anything complicated. Regardless, the medical profession’s struggle to communicate these principles reminds me of the way lawyers embellish legal language and routine processes. You can untangle it only by paying a lawyer, or in the case of health, a doctor.

What should my wife be doing to achieve her health goals? I tell her to combine dark nights, free of artificial light, with plenty of sun exposure during the day; don’t eat food that comes out of a box; go for a walk.

And what did the conversation between her and her doctor look like? The doctor spent most of the consult expounding on the merits of avocado oil versus to olive oil.