Gymsanity

I’ve been critical in the past of personal trainers, wondering exactly what physical benefits a client gets from the relationship, and whether either the physical or psychic benefits are worth the cost. But until today, I’ve never been able to compare side-by-side, minute by minute, my free workout – built only of motivation and common sense – against the workout designed by a (presumably) credentialed professional.

This morning, I began my 3 mile (12 lap) jog at a local high school track just as 20 participants arrived for a fitness “Boot Camp.” (I’m guessing $25 per person?) The trainer had the group drop their armfuls of pads and mats and water bottles right in front of the home side bleachers. As a result, as I swung around the track, I could get a snapshot every couple minutes of Boot Camp activities. Here is how our workouts stacked up against each other:

I came across this charming article by a guy contemplating the experience of turning 70. He suggests that, having made it this far, you’re starting to play with the house’s money. Since discipline and regimen have served their purpose, why not bring on the “red meat and dry martinis?”

I appreciate the sentiment, but would like to recommend a different indulgence: The Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory.

Menu labeling laws in my area have stripped from The Cheesecake Factory any of the restaurant’s remaining modesty. Even the desserts in the display case are exposed. During a recent visit, I was admiring through the display case glass a particularly tempting cheesecake, and noticed a small decal nearby. It said simply: 1550 calories. I asked the hostess about this 1550 – is that per slice or the whole cake? No sorry, that’s just one slice.

If you dig into desserts the way I do, then just one forkful of this cheesecake has 150 calories – the energy equivalent of about 11 minutes on the treadmill. (Three bites cancels out an entire workout!) And since each cake is pre-sliced into 12 pieces, there’s no escaping the math – one cake equals over 18,000 calories. If you consume a typical number of calories in a day, you could maintain your usual intake for more than a week eating your way through just this one confection.

I’d note that the display case at this restaurant features 24 cakes, a collection that in total approaches something like a half-million calories. The restaurant might as well hang up two sides of beef for their display instead. Seriously, you can look it up – an entire cow yields about 500,000 calories.

For all our modern sophistication, real scientists and armchair sociologists are discovering the benefits of co-opting the lifestyles of our distant ancestors.

For example, proponents of the Paleo Diet believe we should consume only the foods available to original humans; we were genetically adapted to diets high in protein, with abundant fruits and vegetables, that contained no grains or dairy.

When it comes to theories of physical attraction, a well-trained Pick Up Artist will play paleo-mind games with women, striving to create the impression that he is the leader of a tribe.

And some pundits have begun to note how the cubicle farms of the modern workplace create an unnatural environment for human hunter-gatherers. One writer laments the obligatory assertions of mail-room cheer – “Hangin’ in there!” – that run counter to male programming.

But for all the challenges of civilization, we still rely on the gym to serve its paleo-purpose, right? We can safely go through the motions of hunting woolly mammoths and fleeing from saber tooth tigers – all in a climate controlled environment.

Well, maybe not. Here’s a sample of gym conversations I’ve overheard this week:

Guy 1: “Hey man, you’re looking fit today.”
Guy 2: “Thanks bud, but at least you have some sweat on your body!”

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Dude 1: “Hey pal, are you working hard or hardly working?!”
Dude 2: Practically falls over with laughter.

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Fellow 1: “How’s your training going?”
Fellow 2: “Well, I used to bulk up this time of year. But as I’ve gotten older, I focus just on maintenance.”

Fellow 2 looked to be about 28.