Why Jogging Makes Everything Worse

One distinctly Miami phenomenon is young men on vacation who rent high-end supercars for their party weekend. Many of these cars use adjustable exhaust systems that make them painfully loud, even at low speeds. These dudes cruise through busy pedestrian areas while revving their engines and making a terrible racket, frightening the children and annoying the adults who actually live here.

In response, police have begun deploying acoustic enforcement cameras — similar in concept to red-light cameras — to identify excessively loud vehicles. However, the dense clusters of high-rise buildings in urban Miami reflect and scatter sound, making it difficult for these systems to accurately locate the source of the noise.

There’s another kind of noise pollution in Miami that has also been increasing in recent years, which while not as stressful, is equally irritating and even more puzzling.

For some reason, the typical jogger now streaks down the sidewalk with his music blasting, from either his cellphone or a handheld Bluetooth speaker. Why headphones have become an imposition I have no idea.

In any event, the attention these folks draw to themselves reminds me how jogging as exercise makes everything worse. Humans are designed for two running speeds: leisurely endurance pace (basically walking) or sprinting. These two speeds deliver specific health benefits, 1) building a cardiovascular base with controlled steady state activity, or 2) stimulating metabolic improvements from high intensity bursts. The problem for recreational runners, run clubs, or organized 5k or 10k races is that humans are not sled dogs or horses. The sport of running is good only for producing all manner of foot and ankle injuries.    

I should know. My health obsession origin story starts from crippling running injuries: a big toe bone cyst, peroneal tendinosis, plantar heal pain. I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to accelerate the healing of my feet and ankles and developing a sophisticated prehab program to prevent further problems.  

The pro-running crowd will tell you that humans’ unique ability to sweat and keep a steady internal temperature in the heat means we did in fact evolve for jogging. They point to anthropologists (who probably belong in the same category of fabricators as epidemiologists, dermatologists, and astrologists) who argue that early humans evolved to jog prey into exhaustion, otherwise known as persistence hunting.   

On the other hand, I prefer the legend of the Battle of Marathon in 490 BCE. A messenger named Pheidippides was sent to run from the battlefield to Athens to announce the Greek victory over the Persians. After running roughly 26 miles without stopping, Pheidippides burst into the city, proclaimed “We have won!”, and immediately collapsed and died.

I’m sure that even had Pheidippides survived, he would have needed to enroll in years of physical therapy to overcome a variety of chronic lower leg conditions.