The Wisdom of the Stairs*

I never thought my condominium’s gym committee would be such a source of controversy.

Nevertheless, when residents ask for new equipment, we must either recommend the purchase to the board of directors, or reject the request.

I’m proud of the way I’ve pushed through good suggestions — and also held the line. For example, I was successful in bringing to fruition my own idea to attach a pull-up bar to the outside of the building, on the gym patio. Inside, the gym’s low ceiling made the existing pull-up station useless.

I’m also pleased with my successful campaign against the installation of a punching bag. Although hitting a heavy bag is excellent cardio, there was no room for it inside; hanging it outside would have invited problems, such as the way every punch would rattle the building, and how just one downpour would ruin the bag.

On the other hand, I’m sorry to say I lost (or more accurately, abstained from) the vote over the purchase of an outdated StairMaster.

The owners of the StairMaster brand are about to discontinue an old model where the pedals move up and down, in favor of its newer escalator-style machine. A resident requested we buy one obsolete StairMaster, at a cost of nearly $5,000, because a disability causes her to lose her balance and fall off the new model we have in the gym.

I argued that the gym committee’s duty was to equip the gym with the latest technology, not to indulge the preferences of individual residents. Furthermore, this building is falling apart. The condo’s elevators are constantly breaking, the automatic entrance doors are malfunctioning, and a special assessment for pool repairs is pending. I’m not in the mood to further deplete the condo’s reserves.

Regardless, the five other members of the gym committee felt virtuous in recommending to the board of directors the purchase of a new (old) StairMaster. In the interest of community comity, I didn’t cast a vote.

Still, I am offended by the way some people enthusiastically spend other people’s money. If you want to see where this mentality leads, just look at the finances of the United States. The result of doing only what feels good is both high taxes and $1 trillion added to the national debt every 100 days.

In any event, the one thing that everyone got right is that climbing stairs — however you do it — is by far the best exercise for cardiovascular conditioning.

Walking up stairs burns about double the calories per minute of jogging or cycling. Every step up forces your body to lift its entire weight against gravity with your glutes, quads, and hamstrings. Only cycling at sprint-speed comes close to the calorie expenditure of ascending stairs.

If you run up stairs — like I do — you will burn double the calories of any other form of exercise.

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*Esprit de l’escalier is a French phrase that translates as “the wit of the staircase.” It describes the moment when you think of the perfect comeback, retort, or clever remark — but only after the conversation has ended, typically as you’re leaving or “on the staircase” walking away. The term comes from an 18th-century anecdote by French philosopher Denis Diderot, who lamented his delayed brilliance after a dinner party.