My Awkward Miami Cold Plunge Encounter

When I signed up last month at a new cold plunge spa, I asked them if they had any requirements for what can be worn (or more accurately, must be worn). Just as receiving sunlight directly on your privates helps stimulate testosterone production, the more skin that touches cold the more significant the brown fat activation and metabolic effect.

My minimalist approach to plunging is to do it in my Speedo. I recently bought a second one on Amazon that ended up being too small, but I kept it anyway. The spa said it has no attire restrictions — looking like a weirdo is on you.

I’ve lived in Miami for a couple decades now, and it’s true that the culture here accepts almost anything. The glamour of the city plus the warm weather attracts people looking to see and be seen. It’s a “show it off” lifestyle: you don’t bundle up, you display. Well.

My new spa has three cold plunges next to each other in its main plunge room. Ever since I’ve joined, they’ve agreed to keep the one on the far left at the minimum cold setting so that it’s ready for me when I arrive. The one in the middle is five degrees warmer and the one on the end is plus 10.

As I prepared for my daily plunge, a woman wearing a t-shirt and shorts emerged from the sauna located in the corner of the room, and she approached the middle plunge. She mentioned to me that at the spa she normally uses, each tub sits in its own private room. I didn’t think much of it until she took off her shirt to reveal her giant naked breasts, and then she casually stepped into her plunge.

I want to be clear: This woman was not flirting with me. Also, before you get too excited, please be aware that she was middle aged and slightly zaftig. Whatever, I decided to apply European nude beach rules: People aren’t stripping to be erotic, they’re stripping for comfort — and staring is gauche.

I did my nine minutes in my plunge, hoping the woman would be gone when I finished. Instead, while I toweled off, she started talking to me again, as her nipples floated above the water. She wanted me to know that the plunge at her primary spa was a Morozko. I responded that the Morozko brand is in fact my dream machine. That tub’s ability to make ice lowers the water temperature quickly, and the ice keeps the temperature steady even with the addition of body heat.

With that exchange out of the way, the conversation trailed off. I grabbed my gym bag, and I got the hell out of there.