Gymsanity

So I guess it’s time to acknowledge that the wheels have come off the Arnold Schwarzenegger bus. I was all set to write a post about the irresistible attraction of literally the world’s biggest alpha male. But then pictures surfaced, and pundits began discussing the impact of steroids on libido, and Arnold’s raging insecurities, and character flaws uncovered by opposition research. With the Internet awash in prurience, I was inspired by an article that decided to remember happier times – a recap of the Top 5 Arnold movies. I thought I could make a contribution with an analysis of the Top 3 muscle moments in Arnold’s movie career. So without further ado (and not a moment too soon):

#3: The handshake in Predator

This scene was actually a 2-for-1, with Rocky legend Carl Weathers (Apollo Creed) on the other end of that monster grip. Arnold has said that he always filmed his muscle scenes first on any project because maintaining his conditioning on set was so difficult. I imagine they shot this scene on day one.

#2: Shirt-ripping from Twins

The movie Twins was full of gratuitous disrobing by Arnold. But 20+ inch arms remain an impressive thing regardless of the marketing. I remember thinking at age 15 that it was pretty cool to be able to tear apart the sleeve of your shirt by flexing your bicep – and I still do today.

#1: Opening scene of The Terminator

Only organic material can travel through time, so Arnold always appears in his birthday suit at the beginning of the Terminator films. In 1984, when the first Terminator was released, Schwarzenegger had just embarked on his film career and was only four years removed from his 1980 Mr. Olympia title. He was still able to show off his perfect v-taper, with his massive traps, shoulders and lats. Radio personality Howard Stern once asked Arnold on his show if shooting these opening scenes ever bothered him, with the full production crew watching, and given the rumors about the “undesirable” effects of long term steroid use. In response, the Terminator said simply: “There is nothing small on Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

It’s been a while since I’ve been scolded by gym staff for dropping my heavy dumbbells at the end of a set. Not only do I try my best to treat gym equipment with care, but most gyms have also upgraded to rubber-encased dumbbells. Iron missiles now impact resilient, high-tech floors with barely a thud.

Still, gym staff trying to look busy can always shuffle over to the dumbbell rack and hassle someone training hard.

Over the past few years, the fierce competition among gyms has perhaps caused the demeanor of gym staff to improve; or possibly, the modern gym’s high ceilings and bright colors have softened the typical staff member’s disposition. Either way, I have to say that the reprimand I got this morning almost made my day: “Hey there – yes you – you need to be more careful about dropping your weights … otherwise, I was very impressed.”

Anyone who makes exercise a regular part of his or her routine has to acknowledge Jerry Seinfeld’s point about the circular logic of the gym:

“The only reason that you’re getting in shape is so you can get through the workout. So we’re working out, so that we’ll be in shape, for when we have to do our exercises.”

I’ll pile on even a bit more, questioning exercise’s supposed ability to make you “feel better.” The day after I train legs, an ordinary flight of stairs looks to me more like a mountain. Depending upon what’s happening with my low back, tying my shoes can be a real struggle. And I’m hard pressed to see the advantage of using up your energy for the day prior to 7 a.m.

So truly, why bother?

Well, upon further reflection, I’ve compiled a list of times when I’ve found the effort to stay fit – and a thick layer of muscle – to actually come in handy:

10. Getting off the subway: You’re sitting in the center of the metro car as the train pulls into your station; you count about 30 people – plus assorted luggage, instrument cases and bicycles – standing between you and the door, which will remain open for only a matter of seconds.

9. Protecting your internal organs: When you’re resting on your bed, and your kids start to use your torso as a trampoline, you can giggle right along with them.

8. Getting on the subway: You want to board an already packed subway train; as the door opens, you apply the gentle but firm encouragement of your forearm into the middle backs of the folks in front of you.

7. Eating contest: Due to your continual craving for food, you can impress friends and relatives with your ability to consume large quantities in a short period of time. (Downside: constant hunger can also get expensive.)

6. Trying to catch an early flight: At the bus stop, you figure out the hard way that bus service to the metro doesn’t start for another hour; it’s no problem for you to walk instead, making the one mile trek up to the train station while dragging along your bulging suitcase.

5. Feats of strength: When your massive picture tube television finally dies, you can haul it out to the curb solo, without needing to call in a favor from friends or neighbors.

4. Saving time: It only takes one trip to carry all the grocery bags in your car up the stairs and into the kitchen.

3. Crash recovery: When you lace up ice skates for the first time in 20 years, you can survive the inevitable wipeout without serious trauma.

2. Discipline: When you inform your uncooperative children they have the opportunity to complete a task (i.e., getting dressed, going upstairs) “the easy way or the hard way,” you can, when necessary, make good on the threat.

1. Shoveling snow: When the forecast calls for snow, you don’t need to worry about the aftermath causing heart trouble or other injury. In fact, if snow has made the roads impassable, the shoveling can substitute for your trip to the gym.

As I strive to squeeze the most from every set, I’ve done considerable thinking about what number of repetitions is most challenging. Put another way: When doing a set to failure, what number of reps hurts the most? I’ve analyzed only sets consisting of 1-10 reps; if your set lasts more than 10 reps you’re doing glorified cardio.

My comments below are ordered from easiest rep range to hardest.

10. Four: A four-rep set isn’t heavy enough to be a vessel-popping lift.  It’s also not light enough, nor long enough, to leave you gasping for air at the end of your set.  I’ve fallen into a four-rep set when I overestimate my strength and grab weights that are just too heavy. At four, you won’t achieve the muscle-building benefits of higher reps, and you don’t get the gut check that comes from lifting even heavier weights.

9. Ten: I don’t believe for one second that everyone’s muscles fail magically at exactly 10 reps. You picked a weight that was too easy; you decided before you began your lift that you would call it quits at 10.

8. Two: Something has gone wrong here. A two rep set is either a max lift too light, or a well-intentioned set that became too heavy.

7. One: To be honest, I’ve never done a one rep max lift. They’re crazy unsafe, and pretty much decoupled from muscle size or fitness. (Don’t believe me? Here is a photo of legendary Russian weightlifter Vasiliy Alekseyev. And then there’s Naim Suleymanoglu, the Turkish weightlifting phenom who between rounds at the Olympics ducked outside for a smoke.) Even though I’ve never done a one-rep lift, I have hoisted many heavy things once, like couches, folding tables and hide-a-beds. For sure, pushing your body to its physical limit requires a massive mental effort. I am also sympathetic to the perspective of American female weightlifter Cheryl Haworth – she said that weightlifting is unique among competitive sports because hard training never makes the workout easier: any milestone lift is quickly buried under the weight of your next heavier attempt.

Regardless, at the gym, the typical one-rep lift is an exhibition in poor form. It’s also an intense workout for some unfortunate spotter.

6. Three: Triples are used predominately as a warm-up for singles. The whole set probably takes about 10 seconds, and is more an ego-booster than a killer lift.

5. Five: To me, five is a failed effort to get to six, the absolute bottom of the mass-building range. The effort required to move such a heavy weight five times is impressive, but ultimately nothing meaningful has happened.

4. Nine: An honest effort – you were shooting for 10 but reached failure first. Nevertheless, you’re going too light: As you re-rack the weight you find you’re more winded than exhausted.

3. Six: Six reps is a major accomplishment. Still, the set doesn’t last long enough to leave you worn out. You finish the set feeling pumped and strong, not dizzy and drained.

2. Seven: My most memorable lift was seven reps: a bench press with 115 lb dumbbells.  You can make a career out of seven reps.  Nevertheless, there’s one rep left if you want to achieve perfection.

1. Eight: The eighth rep is the place to die.  Eight reps means the weight is heavy enough to build powerhouse strength, but the reps are high enough to pack on the mass. This set isn’t about ego but about serious training, making the most of your time in the gym. A solid set of eight will leave your cardiovascular system stressed, your muscles sore, but your mind content.

In an attempt to make amends for last week’s goof-off of a post, I’ve done some actual thinking about what motivates people to come into the gym.

For sure, there’s a certain subset that buys the membership or hires the trainer simply for the status. Beyond the poseurs, however, there are three kinds of people who in fact show up routinely: The Purist, who has a genuine desire to improve his health; The Egomaniac, motivated by his desire to be buff, generally in the hope of gaining access to female reproductive services; and The Addict, who uses his workout to convert emotional pain into more manageable physical pain.

The Egomaniac is the most amusing, of course. He got in his car and drove to the gym in order to improve his physical appearance. Yet, I see this kind of guy all the time just leaning against the equipment and staring at women as the women lift actual weights.

First of all, this kind of behavior is an egregious violation of the three second rule: When you identify a woman of interest, you must approach her within three seconds. Otherwise, you’ll not only lose your nerve, you’ll also creep her out. More importantly, I’ve always thought these guys would have a much better shot in the long run if they worked out themselves – you know, bulking up in reality.