September 23, 2007
Since no one has risen in defense of the sport of swimming, I guess I’ll just do it myself:
Dear Muscleman,
Though you claim to have spent years as a competitive swimmer, you seem to have missed the most rewarding aspect of the sport – the competition against yourself. As you know, the most important benchmarks in swimming are your own personal best times. You’ve no doubt experienced disappointment after a win, or satisfaction after a loss. There’s a lot to be said for a sport that’s less about the best that can be done, and more about the best that you can do.
Sincerely,
Buoyant in Baltimore
Buoyant, thanks for your note. I think you’re on to something here, but that you’re right for the wrong reasons.
I found a syringe in a gym locker today - a pretty disgusting reminder of how athletics at every level are tainted by performance enhancing drugs. Still, champions distinguish themselves through their mental game - the way they control their nerves and maintain focus - irrespective of suspicions of drug use.
Soon, however, even mental advantages may become obsolete. Take this fascinating article about the drug scandal sweeping the world of classical music. Musicians at every level are getting in shape for auditions and concerts not with steroids, of course, but with Inderal, a beta-blocker. This drug does a near perfect job of shutting off the symptoms of fear, doubt and anxiety.
While the calming effects of this particular drug make it useless in sports, a similar pill that leaves adrenaline glands untouched is surely on the way. With drugs creating artificial results both physically and mentally, the only meaningful measure of success will indeed be your own personal best.
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Cardio, Gyms, Motivation | 
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Posted by Muscleman
September 8, 2007
I get very nervous when I have to host a dinner party. My fear has nothing to do with the food prep or social anxiety, however. I am simply focused on making sure everyone leaves my house promptly when the party is over.
I have a few tools available to give people the hint. I’m a huge fan of loudly collecting everyone’s plates and silverware, sometimes taking the dinnerware right out of my guests’ hands. I also don’t hesitate to start turning off lights. Finally, there’s something I learned from my father, the best in the business when it comes to killing a party. When all else fails, I just shut off the air conditioner. You’re much better off enduring a little discomfort now than entertaining long into the night.
When I’m at the gym, I feel like a guest at my own party after the dessert has been served. It’s obvious they want me to leave, and for good reason: The success of gym economics depends upon signing up members that never show. What possible good does it do to have someone like me as a member - someone who constantly pushes the equipment to its limits, consumes handfuls of paper towels to wipe off sweat, and runs up the water bill with long hot showers?
To be sure, gym managers have their own ways to give me the hint. They often blast irritating music, though I’ve become fairly immune to that maneuver. They also love having their cleaning crew run the vacuum right next to my bench while I’m doing sets of heavy presses. Today, they unveiled a new tactic: Between a set of squats, they sent an exterminator over to my rack to spray pesticide all along the wall.
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Gyms | 
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Posted by Muscleman
August 26, 2007
Every morning, my gym rubs my nose in it. On my way to the locker room, the gym’s layout forces me to walk past the swimming pool - a reminder not only of wasted gym fees, but also of my deeper philosophical objections to the whole activity.
Let me be blunt: Stripping down to your banana hammock and diving into the pool is probably the worst possible use of your exercise time. I say this not as some cannonball specialist, but as a former competitive swimmer, with a record at a club in Northern Virginia that still stands after 22 years.
There are the obvious drawbacks to swimming laps: the feeling of someone’s snot sliding down your leg, sections of pool that seem suspiciously warm, the sight of dirty Band-Aids floating past.
There’s also the problem with H2O itself. Water’s cooling effect causes the body to retain, or even increase, fat stores. In water, people can twist their joints in unnatural ways, triggering all kinds of knee and shoulder injuries. And in contrast to every other form of physical activity, a pool’s minimal gravity does nothing to improve bone density.
Most importantly, it’s just intolerable the way chlorine damages your hair.
Regardless, if you’re going to go through the hassle of submerging yourself in cold water and the annoyance of a public bath, at least try. On my way to the locker room today, I saw a guy holding a kickboard in his outstretched arms, pretending to exercise by casually walking up and down the lane.
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Cardio, Gyms | 
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Posted by Muscleman
July 22, 2007
Let’s take a look around my gym early on a Saturday morning. You have to figure that the folks showing up before 9 a.m. on the weekend take the activity seriously enough.
We’ve got one guy wearing dark sunglasses, in this windowless gym prone to power failures. Another guy, dressed in a Barney-the-dinosaur purple running suit, is doing squats with his feet spread about a football field wide. A third guy, who got me thinking about this topic, at least looks relatively normal. However, he’s got the seat on his lat row machine set so low that he pulls almost completely with his rear deltoids, not his lats.
Do bodybuilders deserve their meathead reputation? Judging from this sample: you bet. However, none of these guys will ever accomplish anything in the gym. I’d argue that ironically, the guys packing the most beef also possess the biggest brains. At a minimum, the successful bodybuilder has a command of kinesiology, anatomy, and nutrition. Depending upon what’s inside the plain packaging with the Chinese postmark, he’s probably quite knowledgeable about chemistry, too.
On the other hand, within the fitness universe, the biggest dumbbells must be the folks in charge of gym management.
You would think, for example, that I could get in a decent pull-up somewhere in my gym, with three separate pull-up stations to choose from. Well. The first pull-up station is located directly under the indoor running track, so that any pull-up ends abruptly in a collision between skull and concrete. The second station is centered almost perfectly under a long sprinkler head, eliminating the necessary overhead clearance. In the part of the gym with the lowest ceiling, you’ll find the third station. Here, as you reach the top of your pull-up, you have to ram your head through the ceiling tile, reaching peak contraction somewhere in the crawl space. I guess I should just be happy there’s no permanent injury.
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Posted by Muscleman
July 1, 2007
I imagine the neat thing about being rich – and I’m talking really rich – is that you can indulge your interests in the extreme. John Travolta pursued his love of flight by earning a commercial pilot’s license, then building a house attached to an airplane hangar connected to a private runway. Steve Wynn’s personal art gallery includes a Picasso worth over $100 million. Likewise, Paris Hilton has a collection of over 1,000 pairs of shoes.
When my career as a swim model reaches its apogee, I’ll be psyched to start furnishing my own personal gym.
Now granted, if I began training by myself, in a space filled with state-of-the-art equipment, I would have substantially less material for this blog. I guess I’d have to start recycling my favorite blog posts.
Funny thing is (funny weird, not funny ha-ha) I’m having to buy things for my current club as if it were my personal gym. Not because I want to, of course, but because most gyms fail to provide even the most elementary tools of a safe and productive workout. Here’s a look at some items in my gym bag:
WD-40: Yes, the industrial lubricant. I carry the smaller spray bottle, and have no problem whipping it out and performing my own gym maintenance. Rusty machines are a workout killer.
Collars: Gyms ought to provide buckets of barbell collars on the gym floor. You’d think just from a liability perspective, gyms would be eager to prevent heavy iron plates from slipping off barbells and flying through the air. I’ve been to gyms that make you check out collars from the front desk, or simply have none available. In any event, I’ll be securing my weight plates and protecting myself from joint or tearing injuries.
Soap: Barbells and dumbbells accumulate germs as fast as the filthiest subway pole. If gyms aren’t refilling the soap dispenser in the bathroom fast enough, at least I’m prepared.
3 Comments | Gyms | Permalink
Posted by Muscleman
