August 26, 2007
Every morning, my gym rubs my nose in it. On my way to the locker room, the gym’s layout forces me to walk past the swimming pool - a reminder not only of wasted gym fees, but also of my deeper philosophical objections to the whole activity.
Let me be blunt: Stripping down to your banana hammock and diving into the pool is probably the worst possible use of your exercise time. I say this not as some cannonball specialist, but as a former competitive swimmer, with a record at a club in Northern Virginia that still stands after 22 years.
There are the obvious drawbacks to swimming laps: the feeling of someone’s snot sliding down your leg, sections of pool that seem suspiciously warm, the sight of dirty Band-Aids floating past.
There’s also the problem with H2O itself. Water’s cooling effect causes the body to retain, or even increase, fat stores. In water, people can twist their joints in unnatural ways, triggering all kinds of knee and shoulder injuries. And in contrast to every other form of physical activity, a pool’s minimal gravity does nothing to improve bone density.
Most importantly, it’s just intolerable the way chlorine damages your hair.
Regardless, if you’re going to go through the hassle of submerging yourself in cold water and the annoyance of a public bath, at least try. On my way to the locker room today, I saw a guy holding a kickboard in his outstretched arms, pretending to exercise by casually walking up and down the lane.
3 Comments | 
Cardio, Gyms | 
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Posted by Muscleman
August 19, 2007
I’m always worried by the guys who bring bodybuilding “how-to” books onto the gym floor. My first reaction is similar to when I spot a car with a Student Driver sign: I slowly back away and give him a wide berth. Recently, I’ve been thinking about that scene from Spies Like Us, when Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd attempt an appendectomy by reading through the medical textbook they’re hiding under the operating table.
I’m fairly certain that reading material has no place near exercise equipment. You know what I think of the people who do cardio while reading People. Well today, I saw a guy working out on this “cross trainer” machine (envision a seated StairMaster) with a full blown hardcover novel, complete with tassel dangling from the bookmark. The guy supported himself with his right arm, while cradling the book in his left arm. He cupped his left hand around the top of the book to keep the pages spread open.
I walked by a couple times to see if I could nonchalantly pick up the title of the novel. Unfortunately, this gentleman was bored by his workout and his book, and succeeded in brushing me off with an evil eye.
So, does this man’s absent-minded, indifferent approach to his weekend hobby offend me as a bodybuilder? Actually, no. It offends me as a writer.
2 Comments | All Time Nuttiest, Cardio | Permalink
Posted by Muscleman
August 12, 2007
Though technically not one of the most outstanding things I’ve ever seen in the gym, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s visit to my high school in 1991 definitely ranks up there as one of my top moments in bodybuilding.
Arnold’s limo arrived at the football field and drove the long way around the track. Finally, Arnold got out of the car. He surveyed the crowd and announced into the mike: “I see a flabalanche!”
After Arnold completed his address, the president of the senior class presented him with a school t-shirt. Arnold held up the shirt by each sleeve and declared, “I never accept a shirt without trying it on first.” At this point, I thought we were about to be treated to an impromptu posing routine by the greatest bodybuilder of all time. Unfortunately, Arnold just pulled the t-shirt over what he was wearing. I guess Arnold figured that at age 43, there was no need for reality to eclipse the legend.
Still, he did not disappoint. Arnold electrified the crowd by hitting a huge double bicep pose - the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen in a short sleeved shirt.
Of course, Arnold’s signature muscle is his bicep. He credits his arms, the peak of his biceps, with winning him championships. Nevertheless, Arnold also worked hard to build a well balanced physique. No bodybuilder advances in the sport without symmetry among all muscle groups.
In fact, I don’t think the typical fitness amateur accomplishes much without giving appropriate attention to each body part. Your respect for a fellow gym member declines real fast as your eyes shift from his bulging arms to his A-cup chest. Similarly, guys with big upper bodies betray their lack of seriousness with their scrawny bottom halves.
The general population’s obsession with arms certainly makes for some pointless workouts. I’m always amazed when I can finish an entire leg routine while a couple guys take turns doing barbell bicep curls at a neighboring squat rack. Ok guys, you’re right: It’s the eighth set of curls that’s going to make the difference.
1 Comment | Arms | Permalink
Posted by Muscleman
August 5, 2007
Rest is an important part of every athlete’s training routine. I find that after just a few days away from the gym, I return to workouts that possess more energy, more enthusiasm, and that joints and sinews bend pain free.
The same principle also holds true for creative intensity. I’ve decided to take a break this week from blogging about craziness at the gym, and write instead about the blog itself.
After a little over six months, I’m about to pass 10,000 hits on gymsanity.com. This number doesn’t count the people who also read my blog without actually visiting the site, either through a feed reader or direct email subscription. While the (free) WordPress platform I use offers no information about the geographic distribution of my readership, my subscribers’ email addresses span 12 time zones.
I can also tell you that the hits coming into my site represent more than just me refreshing the same page over and over: WordPress knows enough to ignore my visits to my own blog. On the other hand, I am also aware that not every visitor recorded by the site came looking for gym humor. WordPress shows me daily the search engine terms people used to find my blog. Such terms have included “guys getting off in the steam room” - an indecent reordering of the words of this perfectly respectable post.
Most people assume I was motivated to start this blog for some financial purpose - or that it was an excuse to post a half-naked picture of myself online. In reality, this blog gives me the opportunity to be published without anyone’s permission; to touch and influence others without securing approval from an editor or boss. Most importantly, I found a forum where I can get my music out and let it play.
For many, that’s also what the sport of bodybuilding is all about. Now I know plenty of people who find bodybuilders’ superhero proportions to be unnatural, even ugly. But these naysayers are missing the real achievement on display: a group of athletes that have found their passion and are fulfilling their destiny. Bodybuilders endure a remarkable degree of pain for their sport, whether it’s hoisting some agonizing load in the gym, or resisting the urge to indulge outside it. Still, the fact remains: it’s only work if you’d rather be doing something else.
3 Comments | Motivation | Permalink
Posted by Muscleman
