Over The Top

June 24, 2007

There is a whole class of people that have been ignored by this blog but deserve better: the compulsive overexerciser. I’ve even lived in my own denial for years, but I think I finally reached the acceptance stage.

I have always been careful to finish my run before sunrise, especially in summer. But because of a scheduling mishap, I found myself strapping my headphones on today around noon. I’ve long been fascinated by joggers who manage to pound the asphalt under a brutal sun. Well, it turns out that heat stroke’s numbing effect can carry you quite far.

In fairness, training under extreme conditions is way macho. Olympic athletes sleep in oxygen-deprived tents to simulate the effect of high altitude. And who can forget Rocky Balboa’s courageous workouts in the Siberian wilderness prior to knocking out Ivan Drago? Now don’t tell me that’s just a movie. I have a relative who ran his last marathon on the North Pole, and we’re convinced his next race will be 26.2 straight up Mt. Everest.

What’s not funny is the collection of injuries that follow from this kind of regimen. Long-distance runners suffer from the same joint problems as professional football players. They sometimes find blood in their urine. And triathletes occasionally show scarring on their hearts – exactly what you’d expect from any severely overtrained muscle.

There are also those folks who aren’t trying to swim the English Channel, but still freak out over taking a day off. I know someone who fit in a workout on the day of her mother’s funeral. In the same bloodline is also a guy who often claims he “didn’t like” his first workout, and promptly heads back to the gym.

Speaking of which, I’ve had a big lunch. I think it’s time for a brisk walk.

2 Comments | All Time Nuttiest, Cardio | Permalink
Posted by Muscleman

Top 10 Reasons To Switch Gyms

June 17, 2007

The most important factor in deciding which gym to join is - let’s face it - proximity. I have heard of guys that drive 20 or 30 miles to their gym of choice, something out of the question for those of us planning to keep our day jobs. Still, there are definitely occasions when it makes sense to drive just a little further.

Top 10 Reasons To Switch Gyms

10. Inappropriate use of the sauna and steam facilities. Or some variation. I don’t want to talk about it.

9. Three of the four 80 lb dumbbells are missing. Then one day, all the 80 lb dumbbells are missing.

8. The general manager is arrested for stealing people’s identities off their membership contracts.

7. A sign reading “service required” now hangs from all three StairMasters.

6. Too many members arrive in packs of four. This is the Dreaded Foursome: loud and menacing, they take over large sections of the gym and excel at getting in the way.

5. New TVs are installed and hung from the ceiling. (What’s wrong with that you ask? How about when they’re hung so low that you smash them with your barbell during overhead presses.)

4. The gym decides to rearrange the equipment. This never ends well. Benches will now wobble on uneven sections of floor, lines of sight to the mirror are impaired, and somehow my favorite old-school machine always disappears. (This activity is also known as rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.)

3. You get busted for letting your roommate “borrow” your membership card.

2. The manager reprimands you for deadlifting too loudly.

1. Your kid urinates all over the floor of the day care center.

________________

Two other opportune times to switch gyms, though I haven’t experienced them personally, would be when you get tossed out of the gym for grunting too loudly, and when you accidentally launch a 200 lb barbell through the gym window.

2 Comments | Gyms | Permalink
Posted by Muscleman

Like Fine Wine

June 10, 2007

Long time imaginary reader Serious in Seattle has dropped me another note:

Muscleman,

Your blog is beginning to affect my motivation to go exercise. Frankly, I don’t know how you do it. Just since January, you’ve survived terrible gym music, exasperating slobs, crazed gym ball users, noxious fumes, busted equipment, and idiots trying to fight, not to mention the general circus-like atmosphere.

I’d think it’s tough enough to get psyched for your regular workout, let alone prepare for the daily adventure that awaits you.

So what’s the trick? How do you keep your head in the game?

Thanks,
Seriously in Seattle

Serious, thanks for writing again. I find that weight training is unique among athletic pursuits in the way that the body responds to age. Every running enthusiast, for example, experiences the moment when he’s literally gone over the hill. One day when he’s speeding along the jogging trail, two strapping young lads will blow by him, while casually engaged in conversation.

That depressing, Flowers for Algernon moment, is much delayed in bodybuilding.

I found that I got substantially stronger throughout my 20s. My bench didn’t take off until I was 26 or 27, and I’m still pressing my peak weight more than half a decade later.

I imagine that former varsity athletes in football or basketball look on with jealousy at the youth now dominating their sport. On the other hand, I can go to the gym and be inspired by the guy with a face in its 40s but a body in its 20s.

Even among the professional ranks, bodybuilders peak well into their 30s. Jay Cutler won his first Mr. Olympia last year at age 33, defeating the defending eight time Mr. Olympia Ronnie Coleman, who last won at age 40.

Then again, I do struggle whenever I see a woman at the gym with sharper abs than mine. Now to me, that’s depressing.

1 Comment | Abs, Chest, Motivation | Permalink
Posted by Muscleman

Fight Club

June 2, 2007

I get into a fight in the gym about once every 7 years.

Every time, it’s with some steroid-addled gorilla. You know the type: a giant grouch, wearing a heavy sweatshirt and baggy running pants, acting as if the rest of us are invading his private gym.

Side note: If you’re built like a Greek statue, why are you all covered up under thick fabric?

Now I’m not saying this guy wasn’t huge. I’m just questioning the muscle to flab ratio. You get no points for flab.

So I’m resting between sets of incline dumbbell presses, and I hear someone behind me start barking out threats.

“I’m letting you know I’m coming through right now and if you don’t move that bench you’re going to get hurt.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve got that bench way too close to the dumbbell rack and I’m not going to wait for you. It’s called etiquette!”

Now technically, this butthead was right. The gym is cluttered with equipment, and I found a sliver of free space directly in front of the 70s, 75s and 80s. But what’s the expression – you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?

Besides, telling me I’m in breach of gym etiquette is like telling Martha Stewart she’s put the salad fork in the wrong place. Of course, this confrontation wasn’t about etiquette at all, but about my simply being in his way.

In my pump-induced fantasy, I considered taking this jerk on. Every guy in the middle of his workout imagines he’s Hulk Hogan, right? I also thought it would be interesting to see two guys with lactic acid-filled shoulders struggle to lift their arms, let alone fight.

But in the end, I decided it would be best to just move. You know, literally to come back and fight another day.

Later on, I looked across the crowded gym to see what this model of health club etiquette was up to. He was working out on one of the machines, with his gym bag and water bottles spread all over a nearby bench.

2 Comments | Etiquette | Permalink
Posted by Muscleman