Gymsanity

A few years ago my gym closed the men’s locker room for renovation, and during this time turned the women’s locker room into a unisex bathroom. I don’t remember how this played out exactly – I guess showering was reserved for only those without the least sense of modesty. I do recall thinking like a third-grade boy how cool it was to be hanging out in the women’s bathroom, if only just to throw my gym bag into a locker. I also felt there was sure to be trouble when the men’s room finally reopened, and guys still walked into the ladies room out of force of habit.

I don’t think it’s possible to overstate the importance of an exterior locker room door. For example, my gym was able to cover the ladies room door with warnings both during and after renovation - one last deterrent to a co-gender calamity. At many gyms, however, the locker room entrances are nothing more than cavernous openings, with privacy achieved through the architecture of interior walls.

I recently worked out at a gym I hadn’t visited in a number of years. The entire gym had been overhauled, and the locker rooms were completely redone. For whatever reason, the location of the men’s and women’s locker rooms had also been reversed. Only a small sign on the wall by each opening indicated which members belonged where.

Just like old times, I powered through a tough workout at this gym. I finished exercising and wandered into the men’s room on auto-pilot, my head down in a post-workout fog.

When I looked up, I was surprised not only by how substantially the layout of the men’s room had changed in the last hour, but also by the existence of two women wearing only shorts and bras. I suddenly realized I had two choices. I could either say “Oops, sorry!” and sprint out of there, clearing my conscience but drawing attention to myself. Or, I could quietly reverse course and slip away like some peeping-tom. While I debated these choices in my head, my legs took over. I spun away from my blunder and rushed out, diving into the sanctuary of the adjacent men’s room.

This entry was originally posted on March 14, 2007. Updated at bottom.

The Rest Of The Story

My nightmare featuring crazed gym ball users keeps getting worse. Remember the guy standing on the exercise ball with his dumbbells? I guess balance really is an issue:

So I saw the guy on the swiss ball again today doing bicep curls, but this time he fell off, twice … The first time, I heard a loud clang as the guy managed to catch himself before falling right onto me by grabbing the top of the rack. The second time thankfully no one was near him as he had to actually jump off the ball and land awkwardly to the side of the ball. Scary stuff!

When this guy ends up seriously hurting himself, the key question becomes: Will he sue the swiss ball manufacturer because of the product’s round, unstable shape?

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UPDATE: My gym printed out this article and taped it to the mirror nearest its collection of exercise balls. The gym added a handwritten note at the bottom of the sheet of paper: Use at your own risk.

An excerpt from the article: “A man claims that an exercise ball he was using in a fitness program at a Jacksonville YMCA exploded while he was on it, sending him to a hospital with serious injuries and changing his life. Peter Royal said he broke both wrists and one forearm and injured both shoulders when the ball blew up like a balloon as he was on it while using about 150 pounds of weights … Nearly two years later, he and his wife are filing a lawsuit against both the manufacturer of the ball and the YMCA.”

I found the following handwritten sign taped to the mirror in a corner of my gym:

When you are caught sticking the bar in the wall, you will be asked to leave and not return. MGMT

A little explanation here. The t-bar row is one of the best exercises for your back. Unfortunately, too many gyms, including this one, don’t offer this essential piece of equipment. Many lifters

Granted, over time, the rubbing of the barbell against the drywall will carve up the plaster and most likely leave a giant hole. Regardless, I don’t see how a gym can refuse to spring for a real t-bar row machine and deny its members the right to build their own substitute.

In response to MGMT’s sign, I dropped the following note in the gym’s suggestion box:

When you are caught padding profits by failing to properly equip your gym, I will vote with my wallet and not return. MMBR

In an attempt to make amends for last week’s goof-off of a post, I’ve done some actual thinking about what motivates people to come into the gym.

For sure, there’s a certain subset that buys the membership or hires the trainer simply for the status. Beyond the poseurs, however, there are three kinds of people who in fact show up routinely: The Purist, who has a genuine desire to improve his health; The Egomaniac, motivated by his desire to be buff, generally in the hope of gaining access to female reproductive services; and The Addict, who uses his workout to convert emotional pain into more manageable physical pain.

The Egomaniac is the most amusing, of course. He got in his car and drove to the gym in order to improve his physical appearance. Yet, I see this kind of guy all the time just leaning against the equipment and staring at women as the women lift actual weights.

First of all, this kind of behavior is an egregious violation of the three second rule: When you identify a woman of interest, you must approach her within three seconds. Otherwise, you’ll not only lose your nerve, you’ll also creep her out. More importantly, I’ve always thought these guys would have a much better shot in the long run if they worked out themselves – you know, bulking up in reality.

I’ve written in the past about why people don’t want go to the gym. Now, I thought it might be interesting to focus on why people do. Unfortunately, I’m running short on time. So I tracked down an announcement that made headlines across the country, the results of a recent study about people’s motivation to have sex. Though you’d assume people have sex for simple and straightforward reasons, the research revealed dozens of varied and complex motivations - 237 in all.

I’ve inserted a chart below. The left side shows the top 10 most intriguing reasons people gave for having sex, and the right side shows the top 10 reasons I think people are motivated to go to the gym.